honey bunches of taint.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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