Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
