First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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