My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
