I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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