I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
