im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
only you would photoshop your dick
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
