apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
