god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
