Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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