i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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