i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
