i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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