I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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