I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
