The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
