I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
