I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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