i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
