not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
