No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
