Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
