So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
