There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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