Your dad touched me again.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
