The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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