So drunk, too bad you don't want this
worst night to have a conscience
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
