Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
