you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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