whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
