If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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