Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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