Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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