But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
