we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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