I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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