My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
