I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
