ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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