We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
