she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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