I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
