the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
