I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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