Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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