There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
