plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
