I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
