So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
