dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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